Marriage and Divorce (Wk 2)

Several years ago, I worked as a para-professional in a kindergarten class. Out of 28 students in the class, we rarely ever had more than about 5 students whose parents were married to each other. Another 4 or 5 had step-parents that were married and the rest lived with single parents or parents who were not married. To me, this was sad and a bit concerning. 

I have many friends who have chosen to cohabitate, or to bring children into their relationships before marriage. I do not judge or look down on them for these choices, but the science shows there is some reason to be concerned. 

First Comes Love, then Comes…?

In the State of Our Unions document that can be downloaded in its entirety here, some statistics really stood out to me. First, “Cohabiting couples who have a child together are about twice as likely as married couples to break up before the child is 12.” To me, that says that any person who is concerned about divorce should definitely not have a child without getting married. The divorce rate is already so high, but the chance of a break up is significantly higher without marriage. Not getting married is not protecting anyone. I once had a friend tell me about how she eventually wanted to get married but it was such a big commitment. She already had a child with her boyfriend. It’s been a few years and they aren’t together anymore, but I’m still bewildered at the idea that having children with a person is less of a commitment than marriage. 

Second, the article mentions that children whose parents are not married do almost as poorly as children with a single parent. The article also states that today more than 60% of marriages are preceded by living together, but there is almost no evidence that this is beneficial to a marriage! I think this is one of the biggest arguments for cohabitation – you have to see if you’re compatible! But it apparently doesn’t work as well as we want it too. 

 A final set of statistics I thought was interesting - it’s well understood that between 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce, but there are so many factors that decrease that percentage! Being college educated (as opposed to a high school dropout) brings your risk factor for divorce down 25%. Waiting to have a baby until after marriage brings that risk factor down 24%. Being religious brings it down 14%. I don’t think most people go into long-term relationships just waiting for them to eventually fail. We all want a happily ever after. It seems like if that’s what we want, we should do those things that will give us a better chance. Waiting until after marriage to have children is a pretty accessible choice to most people.

But I’m Scared of Divorce!

Should we be wary of divorce? Of course! It’s a terrible thing, and it’s especially important to remember how difficult divorce is for children. In an article titled “The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation” by Paul R. Amato, we learn that children dealing with divorce have lower general levels of well-being that those who experience the death of a parent.  However, children living with unmarried parents also do much worse than those living with married parents. The problem is not even solved if a divorced parent remarries. Children in step families have about the same number of problems as children with single parents. 

Often when two people divorce, they are thinking only of themselves and not of their children. The general consensus is “kids are resilient, they’ll get used to it.” But divorce is extremely difficult for children to understand and cope with. As said above, it can even be more difficult than dealing with the death of a parent. 

In my church, we have a pretty negative view of divorce. Elder Dallin H Oaks said, “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.” https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng

Families are incredibly important to us as a church, and divorce is not a positive experience for anyone. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” (Families Can Be Eternal, Ensign, Nov. 1980, 4.)

I feel like this quote is so true. Unless we truly believe in our marriages and the goodness of our families, unless we are willing to put in the work to keep them strong, we will not be able to keep them together. 

However, I also feel like because we have such a firm negative stance on divorce in this church, we unintentionally encourage those who are in extremely negative and even abusive situations to stick it out.  President James E Faust said, “In my opinion, ‘just cause’ for divorce should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship that destroys a person’s dignity as a human being.” https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2007/04/enriching-your-marriage?lang=eng

 

Those who are considering divorce should examine their marriages under the light of this advice and see what they find. If they find that their dignity is slowly and surely being destroyed, they should not for one second feel like failures or sinners for going through with a divorce. And those who are wary of marriage should be encouraged to seek out advice, help, and any resource that will serve to strengthen their relationship and shore it up against the negative effects of divorce.