What Causes Marital Problems? (wk 5)

I remember when I was first married thinking that I loved my husband so much that I couldn’t possibly imagine growing apart from him or ever having a single problem. I was overwhelmed with positive feelings towards him. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls this “positive sentiment override.” When you generally see your spouse in a positive light, any small negative interactions are easily glossed over and we can give our partner the benefit of the doubt.  I think most newlyweds feel the same. No one goes into a marriage expecting to have problems or to get divorced. But the fact is, every marriage will go through rough patches. Every marriage will have problems. 

 

If you are not careful, positive sentiment override can turn to negative sentiment override. This means that you generally have a lot of negative feelings towards your spouse, so when something happens, you are less likely to let it go or forgive and you are more likely to be offended or hurt when no offense was intended. Then, what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen” come into play. In conflict, these “Horsemen” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Every marriage will see these Horsemen rear their ugly heads at some point. In some marriages the Horsemen are frequent visitors. This doesn’t necessarily mean that a marriage is doomed to failure. Gottman also talks about “repair attempts” which are different tactics a couple might use to diffuse tension, to get back on track, to smooth things over. If a couple is good at repair attempts, even high levels of conflict are not going to tank their relationship. However, if repair attempts are not good or are not received well, there can be real issues. 

According to Gottman, the underlying quality of a successful marriage is a strong friendship. I think that every married person ought to think of their spouse as their best friend. Best friends care about each other, know what is going on in each other’s lives, support each other, and stick it out through the rough patches. My husband and I had a long distance relationship for the majority of the time we were dating. This allowed us to develop a very strong friendship. Since all we could really do was talk to each other, we talked about absolutely everything you can think of. I think this strong foundation of friendship is what helped us have such a successful first year of marriage, even when most people will tell you the first year is the hardest. 

Another great resource on this topic is the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard. He says “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person – to be born again – to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. “ 

In order to have a successful marriage we have to put aside selfishness. We have to realize that we are now a part of a team, instead of on our own. We have to be willing to put off the “natural man” as it says in Mosiah 3:19, and be “submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love.” Problems arise when we forget to do these things. Marriage is truly a refining process. We can either give up, or keep allowing that process to make us even better. 

Goddard says, “The surest test of our spiritual maturity is the way we react to those who are imperfect physically, spiritually, or emotionally. How do we react when someone attacks and blames us? Do we defend ourselves at all costs? Do we try to be fair and balanced? Or do we, like Jesus, recognize that ugliness is often an expression of pain? Do we minister with love and patience? Do we bring healing to the injured?” When we apply this to our marriage relationships, and think about how Jesus would act in a certain situation, we can remember that this is what we want to become. The anger, criticism, contempt, etc are all things that Satan would like us to do. He wants to destroy our marriages and we can’t let him do it! 

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, in a talk titled, “The Great Commandment” in the October 2007 General Conference reminded us that Christlike love is what will help us refine ourselves. “There is no pain it cannot soften, no bitterness it cannot remove, no hatred it cannot alter.” 

Although I think there is definitely a place for professional therapy and help in a marriage, I loved the reminder that ultimately it comes down to being more Christ-like, applying the Atonement more fully in our lives, and truly seeking personal, deep change.