Happy Marriage Happy Life

Last week we discussed conflict in marriage, and briefly touched on gridlock, which is when both partners refuse to budge on a situation. Gridlock can leave any couple feeling frustrated and powerless. Marriage researcher John Gottman says that gridlock is characterized by the following signs. 1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution. 2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection. 3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on. 4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self. Gottman says that gridlock is a sign that you have some dreams for your life that your partner either doesn’t know about or does not respect. These dreams don’t have to be big. It could simply be a dream of having an organized home, where the other person has a dream of feeling comfortable in their home. The most important step...

Every single marriage on the planet at some point in time is going to run into conflict. Even if a couple believes they are truly soul mates, that they are so completely in sync, there will eventually be something they disagree on. Shockingly, according to expert marriage researcher John Gottman, 69% of all problems are unsolvable. Gottman calls these perpetual problems.   If you can’t figure out a way to cope with these perpetual problems, you will eventually face gridlock, which Gottman says is a death sentence for a relationship. I found it interesting that gridlock is characterized by both partners digging their heels in deep and refusing to budge. It seems that being willing to accept influence and cultivating humility, like we discussed last week, would go a long way in helping a couple to avoid this gridlock.  In Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he discusses the difference between a solvable problem and a perpetual o...

One of John Gottman’s “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” is allowing your partner to influence you. Specifically, men need practice in the art of sharing power and decisions with their wives. Gottman found that overwhelmingly, women are already pretty good at this, and it’s mainly an issue that men have. However, we all have instances where we are determined to get our own way instead of listening to our spouses. Gottman tells us that you need to understand that “often in life you need to yield in order to win” and that the best way to go about this is being willing to compromise. “You do this by searching through your partner’s request for something you can agree to.”    When we’re unwilling to accept influence from our partner, it all boils down to pride. In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. W. Goddard says, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite.” It is so true that in life, and particula...

This week we’re talking about staying emotionally connected with your spouse, how to do it, and why it matters.  Let’s imagine that you and your spouse are feeling a little disconnected lately. Life has been busy and stressful, there are a lot of demands on your time and energy, and you just haven’t been making each other a priority. Maybe you need a little getaway, just the two of you, to refuel and renew? That will surely do the trick, right?  Well, maybe it will help in the short term, but life will still be stressful when you get back. The demands for your time and energy are still there. What can you do to keep up the connection without constantly leaving on little vacations?  According to John Gottman, “ Being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”  Gottman calls this turning toward one another. The idea is that we are each sending out bids for attention all ...