Managing Conflict (wk 9)

Every single marriage on the planet at some point in time is going to run into conflict. Even if a couple believes they are truly soul mates, that they are so completely in sync, there will eventually be something they disagree on. Shockingly, according to expert marriage researcher John Gottman, 69% of all problems are unsolvable. Gottman calls these perpetual problems. 

 If you can’t figure out a way to cope with these perpetual problems, you will eventually face gridlock, which Gottman says is a death sentence for a relationship. I found it interesting that gridlock is characterized by both partners digging their heels in deep and refusing to budge. It seems that being willing to accept influence and cultivating humility, like we discussed last week, would go a long way in helping a couple to avoid this gridlock. 

In Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he discusses the difference between a solvable problem and a perpetual one, because it is often hard to tell!  Solvable problems don’t feel as painful or intense. These problems stand alone and are not based on an underlying issue. Perpetual problems, however, are really about something bigger, like trust, selfishness, feelings of abandonment, etc. 

This reminds me of couples I read about in the book “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson. These couples were often dealing with severe conflict and having difficulty communicating. However, when one spouse would finally reveal that this conflict was bringing up issues from their childhoods, or that they were truly feeling abandoned and unloved, the other partner was suddenly much more willing to listen and understand. 

Gottman offers us several keys to managing conflict. 

1. Negative emotions are important. We have to learn how to listen to our partner’s negative emotions without getting hurt or upset ourselves. It’s also important to learn to express these emotions in a way that is not hurtful to our partners.

 2. No one is right.  Both people can be partially right. No one is completely wrong.

 3. Acceptance is crucial. I love this step because it reminds us that your partner needs to know that you love and accept them before hearing about something they’re doing wrong. Helping your partner feel this way will go a long way towards resolving this conflict.  

4. Focus on Fondness and Admiration. I don’t know about you, but if my spouse were to compliment me on all the things I was doing well, I would have a much easier time compromising with him and listening to his perspective because I know that he is not just attacking me with criticisms. I know that he does appreciate and love me. 

John Gottman also has steps to help us solve solvable problems as shown in this graphic.

  

To soften a start-up, we have to take partial responsibility and use “I” messages. We can’t just start the discussion in attack mode. Repair attempts can be phrases or signals that are pre-agreed upon. When someone gives the signal, we take a break! My husband will often tell me he loves me when we’re having a disagreement. This always helps me out a lot because I have a tendency to believe that love is connected to approval and that if he’s upset with me, he doesn’t love me. This is a good repair attempt to use because it reminds me that we are still a team and he does actually want me to be happy. 

I think my favorite of Gottman’s problem solving steps is number 3 – soothe yourself and your partner. The suggestion was given that when things get heated, you start feeling flooded, the conversation is stalled in a gridlock, take a 20-30 minute break and do something that will completely distract you from the conversation. I know for me, just thinking about discussing some of our perpetual issues gets my heart rate going and I feel a knot in my stomach. It would probably help me to do some sort of meditation or relaxation BEFORE bringing up a sensitive issue. 

I was amazed at how much of this strategy mirrors that from the church’s “Strengthening Marriage” curriculum. My husband and I took the class a few years ago and the part on conflict resolution was very similar to Gottman’s ideas. We were told to talk about our feelings around the subject and possible underlying issues, then brainstorm ideas together, take breaks if needed, and then come to a mutually acceptable conclusion which can then be followed up on in a certain period of time. This also works quite well if you are committed to trying it. 

Adding to all this, it is incredibly important to remember - as Lynn G Robbins taught in an article entitled “Agency and Anger” - that anger is Satan’s tool. He’s the one who wants us to let anger control us. “The Lord expects us to make the choice not to become angry.”  We must learn to stay calm, to accept our spouse’s minor flaws as we expect them to accept ours, and to find ways to work around the major, unsolvable issues in our marriages.