Staying Emotionally Connected (wk 7)


This week we’re talking about staying emotionally connected with your spouse, how to do it, and why it matters. 

Let’s imagine that you and your spouse are feeling a little disconnected lately. Life has been busy and stressful, there are a lot of demands on your time and energy, and you just haven’t been making each other a priority. Maybe you need a little getaway, just the two of you, to refuel and renew? That will surely do the trick, right? 

Well, maybe it will help in the short term, but life will still be stressful when you get back. The demands for your time and energy are still there. What can you do to keep up the connection without constantly leaving on little vacations? 

According to John Gottman, “Being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” 


Gottman calls this turning toward one another. The idea is that we are each sending out bids for attention all the time. I think of my 3-year old who is not so subtle in her demands for attention, and how her behavior will get progressively worse if I’m not responding well enough to her. This happens with our spouses too! 




Here’s an example. Earlier this week my husband sent me a picture of his arm all taped up from giving blood at work. He has never given blood before, needles are not his favorite and the idea of doing such a thing was always a little scary. This picture was a bid for attention. I could have ignored it, which would have been turning away. But knowing what a big deal this was, I made sure I asked him about it, how he felt about it, how he was doing, etc. This is an example of turning towards.

This seems like such a little thing. In fact, just being willing to run errands with your spouse instead of staying at home is an example of turning towards. As we learn in Alma 37:6 “by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” The smallest efforts really do yield the greatest rewards. 


Sometimes our spouse’s bids for attention come across as angry or negative. H. W. Goddard in his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” reminds us,“Rather than respond to our partner’s negativity with our own negativity, we can invite them to greater closeness and peacefulness.”
 
Gottman also discussed the fact that we need to be able to “focus on the bid, not the delivery.” 
It was so interesting to read all of this material this week because I kept thinking, “This is exactly what I’m trying to accomplish in my parenting!” It applies everywhere! 

I love this quote from Goddard. It helps me be less judgmental and more understanding “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.”  My spouse is not perfect and I cannot expect him to be. I just have to do my best and trust that he is working towards progress as well.

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