Physical Intimacy and Fidelity (wk 11)

SEX. It’s a really important part of marriage, but one that lots of people aren’t really comfortable talking about. While physical intimacy is a very personal, private thing that may not need to be discussed outside of your marriage, you should be talking about it with your partner. In a September 1986 Ensign article titled “They Twain Shall Be One,” Brent Barlow said “The inability of married couples to intimately relate to each other is one of the major causes of divorce.” We can’t just ignore this part of our marriages and hope it works itself out. 

In an article from Meridian Magazine titled, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage,” Sean E. Brotherson writes about the “Four Horsemen of Sexual Fulfillment.” He says that these are ignorance, inhibition, ill will and infidelity. Many people enter a marriage relationship just plain ignorant about sex! The media doesn’t help. Most of what is portrayed in movies, books, magazines, etc is not accurate or realistic. Parents may have given their children what amounted to one awkward “talk” about the birds and the bees, and sex education classes in schools are often more about how to avoid pregnancy and STD’s than they are about actual sexual health and what you really need to know to have a positive sexual relationship. 

The second Horseman is inhibition. This is an “avoidance of dealing with one’s thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage.” Particularly in religious communities, teens and young adults are bombarded with the message that sex is dirty and wrong and you need to keep yourselves pure and clean by not participating in it. Unfortunately, we neglect to teach about the wonderful blessing that sex can be within the bounds of marriage. When a couple has only heard negative messages about sexuality, it can be very difficult to mentally “flip the switch” once married. A wonderful book that addresses this issue in very helpful ways is “And They Were Not Ashamed” by Laura M. Brotherson. 

The third horseman is ill will. Sean Brotherson says “no aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship.” In other words, when other areas of our marriages are not going well, the sexual aspect is going to suffer as well. Following all of the ideas from previous weeks will go a long way to improving your sexual relationship! 

Finally, the last horseman that Brotherson mentions is infidelity. No one gets married anticipating that at some point they or their spouse will be unfaithful, but infidelity still happens! What can we do to combat this? How do we save ourselves from ever casting aside our devotion to our spouse in this way? In a September 2009 Ensign article entitled “Fidelity in Marriage,” Kenneth W. Matheson said that “a marriage can be placed in a precarious situation when one spouse forms a relationship with someone outside the marriage and begins to choose the company of that person or frequently shares personal information with that person rather than with a spouse.” This occurs gradually, and over a period of time. Matheson warns us to be aware of how much time and energy this relationship is taking. If it’s taking more time and energy than your relationship with your spouse, it’s a problem. 

I don't think that this person necessarily needs to be an adult or a member of the opposite gender. It's just as easy to allow your sister or your best friend or even your child to take more of your emotional time and energy than you give to your spouse. I know for me that having children was difficult because I suddenly poured so much of my love and energy into them, leaving my husband feeling left out and alone. We still get that way sometimes. I also have to be wary of how much I share with my sister and best friends. A big mistake I made a few years ago was that I texted my sister about my positive pregnancy test before I told my husband. He was understandably upset.

Just because you are married does not mean you can turn off the part of your brain that feels attracted to others. You’ll surely run into someone else that intrigues you or that is especially attractive. You also can’t just completely cut yourself off from any kind of contact with the opposite sex. There will be times where you may have to work closely with them, and maybe even have the opportunity to develop friendships. Because of this, it’s important to put certain precautions in place. For example, in our marriage we have a rule to never be in a vehicle alone with a member of the opposite sex that is not each other or an immediate family member. When I was working, I never accepted rides home from male coworkers, and my husband does not give rides to female coworkers. Some might feel that it is inappropriate to maintain friendships on social media sites with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. Others may disagree with that. It’s important to develop these guidelines together as a couple, as everyone will have different comfort levels. In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H.W. Goddard lists several helpful precautions, a few of which are listed below. 

• Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
• Guard the level of emotional intimacy you build with a non-spouse.
•  Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone. Push daydreaming of any person but your spouse out of your mind promptly.
•  Make your spouse a partner in all of your efforts to help a person of the opposite sex.

Finally, Goddard lists one last idea that I particularly like. He asks, “Do you share your appreciation for your spouse with friends so that they know of your commitment and affection for her or him?” I absolutely love this idea. Not only will it strengthen your relationship to be speaking positively about your spouse to friends, I think it also shows others around you that you are committed and invested in your relationship. Then others are sort of keeping you accountable and reminding you of your spouse if temptations should arise. 

Staying faithful to your spouse is not as simple as just getting married! You really have to be on your guard and of course, work on the physical intimacy aspect of your marriage as well. Add in all of the advice from John Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and you're sitting pretty!