Power Relations (wk 12)

A marriage partnership is just that – a partnership. A team. No one is supposed to be more in control than the other. Richard B. Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University said that “unequal power relationships in marriage are predictive of depression.” No one wants depression to darken their marriage. So what are we to do? 

In a talk titled “That We May Be One,” President Henry B. Eyring said, “At the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command!” We need to work on being unified with our spouses. That means that no one person has all the power. I cringe when I hear people talk about how “everyone knows she’s wearing the pants,” or “I learned early on to give my wife whatever she wants and everyone is happy,” or “the most important words in a marriage are ‘whatever you say, dear.’” 

My husband and I try very hard to work together on things that matter to both of us. When we move into a new place, we both decide where things go. With finances, we both work together to pay the bills and take care of the budget. We discuss large purchases with each other first. We plan vacations together, even plan meals together. Not every couple will want to do things the way we do, but it’s important to discuss these things. A friend of ours once told us a story about how when she and her husband were first married, she took it upon herself to arrange the furniture and put up all the pictures and decorations while he was at work one day. When her husband got home he was very upset, because he thought it should have been done an entirely different way! He did not like that he had been left out of this process. In his eyes, she had taken all the power in this situation. 

One of the most important areas to be unified is when it involves our children. This is something that is so difficult for my husband and I. We were raised very differently, of course, but ever since I took a parenting class in my first years of college, I have basically been on a quest to discover “The Best Method of Parenting” and he is not always on board with my new ideas. Richard Miller says “It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss it without the children present.” This has been one of the hardest things for me. I am constantly guilty of undermining my husband’s authority by stepping in when I think he’s done something wrong. Miller also says, “except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children.” I felt like hanging my head in shame, but a classmate instead suggested that it is an opportunity to bow my head and pray. I loved that insight.

Being unified in parenting issues has honestly been our biggest challenge as a married couple. I’m going to guess that it is probably a divisive topic for many couples. It’s also hard not to feel like I deserve to have an unequal portion of the power here because I’m at home with the kids all day and he’s not. It’s clear that we will need to continually revisit our division of power over these issues, but I know as we continue to work on it and pray together, we will be blessed with help in our partnership.